My therapist is encouraging me to do more journaling.
Blogging used to be my jam. I had a LiveJournal account and it was the safest place for me to publicly complain about how terrible my life was during college. Sympathetic ears were there. It was nice.
I used to write every week on the RT site when we had the ability to search and friend and follow and discuss. Most of the community that I wrote to are no longer there.
I have a blog on my personal website (OH HAI! YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT!), but haven't felt like posting anything.
My writing comes down to the telegraphic ramblings on Twitter. And honestly…that's not writing. It's complaining on a tiny billboard that 3,000 people look at as they walk by.
Not like having an audience should matter. You're supposed to write for you, but my days are so lonely. I've lost much of my online community to progress, life, and growth…and that was before this devastating pandemic.
I miss writing. I've never thought I was any good at it. All of my literature teachers only cared about EXTREME emotion - this poem/book/story made me cry so I gave it 5 stars
I wrote a beautiful story about my Granny Ivy and submitted it to my 9th grade literature teacher. She gave me a D and a handwaving explanation of "She sounds nice, but I just don't SEE your Granny in my minds eye"
"Bitch what the fuck" was my internal monologue.
My actual monologue wasn't any better:
I started cold and quiet "The ONLY thing I left out about my Granny is that she doesn't have a natural tooth in her head and lost a breast to breast cancer."
I got louder and I didn't care "Your lack of imagination is NOT my problem. There is NOTHING wrong with my narrative project."
And walked out.
My teacher asked me to write another story. If I did, she would replace the D from the previous paper.
So I wrote.
I wrote a sham of a paper with the goal of "making her FEEL something" like she was going on about.
So I wrote about an extremely vague memory from kindergarten. It was a story about 2 or 3 kids I knew and how one of them died of liver disease, I think. I was 14 when I wrote about this memory from when I was 6 and I'm now writing about this all at age 42 so things are getting really fuzzy.
Because I wrote about a child's death from the point of view from another child and about how naturally confused I was over the concept of death at 6 years old, my teacher ATE IT UP. I didn't even use the hyper descriptive language that my teacher kept begging us for. MORE ADJECTIVES! I WANT TO SEE YOUR STORY LIGHT MY LIFE LIKE A KETAMINE TRIP
I just stuck to these friends - which we were friends, but not the Disney Channel Original Movie way I spinned it - and ended it with a dead child, images of Heaven taking in the innocent, and how "we'll always have the 6 year old in a small town equivalent to Paris" or some such nonsense.
It made her cry. It made the class cry. It made me cry.
But I was crying out of anger. I cried over how this was a fucking sham. Students who knew the kids in my story -again, small town - approached me during lunch to tell me how beautiful the story was. I calmly confessed that I wasn't completely truthful. "I only remember Tommy because he had 1 arm and we all thought that was cool. I only remember Peter because I knew the family who owned the house his family was renting, and I only remember Doug because he died. I wrote this story because Mrs. WhateverHerNameWas thought the story about my very alive and very amazing Granny sucked. Apparently it wasn't tragic enough!" My mutuals understood but they still praised my story. I would ask "What did you like about it?" and they kept coming back to "The childlike reaction to Doug's death really touched me" It wasn't the friendship or cool memories of birthday parties on farms…nope. It was the tragedy they all liked.
It broke my heart. It made me angry. I knew at 14 that the world was gonna get dark. Adults were already starting to be too real with us. We were teenagers. Yesterday, we were pre-teens and now we're teenagers which automatically means that every car accident, crime wave, and obscene fashion statement was our fault. So I wrote about being a child…and not even truthfully. My teacher would have hated the much more interesting story about how I cut my waist-length hair and blamed it on my brother. She would have scoffed at my vivid Fall memories of visiting Massachusetts. She would have fallen asleep if I had written a narrative project on my passions.
She craved tragedy. She craved crying over art. So that's what I gave her. That's when I flat out decided that I hated writing and that I was no good at it because no one enjoyed the stories I liked to focus on.
What is it like now? How do I currently feel about writing?
Well, writing is just writing. I enjoy writing to let my feelings and thoughts out. I don't worry about grammar or spelling. I try to remember what tense I'm presenting and be a little more mindful of flow, but other than that I just write to write.
Do I write stories?
Not really.
I tried my hand at fanfiction at one point and was just embarrassed.
I did create a children's play for my college senior project. It was based off of a story I wrote when I was in the first grade. I had a lot of fun turning a 10 sentence story into a script. I wasn't able to get anyone to help me put on a performance…but the script got me a solid A. A major win before leaving college.
But really…I get fucking anxious when someone asks "Tell me about your D&D character"
What is my relationship with writing?
It's more about journaling. I don't really know if I have stories to create that aren't daydreams or self-inserting fanfiction or "whoops. That's not original. That's from that episode of Freakazoid or Thrilling Adventure Hour"
Writing is how I communicated when I didn't have anyone around to talk to. With everyone in some capacity of isolation, I should really consider writing more often.
Before I start, I guess that it's proper to warn readers ahead of time about the inspiration for this post.
It is legal in the state of Washington to consume cannabis products. I absolutely enjoy cannabis both recreationally and in therapy. It has helped me stop drinking alcohol, has kept me on a better hydration path, and has really honest-to-goodness helped me with my focus. I am not a scientist or a medical professional. It's something that works for me on so many levels and I am grateful that I have access to it. If you are "under age", you know what you are about. I won't type out a 12 page paper recounting the cult-like D.A.R.E. pamphlet about "drugs are bad" or the dangers of addiction. All I ask is that you be a responsible human being. Don't do illegal things. Do all things in moderation. Be safe. Stay informed. Do your research.
It's so weird that I feel the need to say that. No one says that when they brag about drinking 3 bottles of wine at brunch, but society is really lopsided.
Anyhoo, let's get into the meat of this post!
I have a stoned playlist on Spotify.
I titled it TO THE MOON and it is all music that I really enjoy while settling into a high. You can tell what song reflects indica, sativa, and a blend for sure.
And yes...there's a Pink Floyd song in there. Hush.
Some of these songs are kinda sad, but the music feels wonderfully dreamy and that is really the point of the list. Some of the songs are optimistic, some are on here for pure nostalgia, some are creepy, and some are so full of energy that they might just yank you out of being stoned. I find this list to be versatile and I'm totally listening to it now as I type this! Sober!
I'm no music expert. According to experts, I lack any sort of refined palate. There are a lot of genres that I have yet to truly give a chance. Sometimes, you just have to go with what you know.
And 2 of these songs was played my wedding!
Some tracks were added recently in an effort to combine a couple of incomplete lists.
To The Moon - https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2X7tQE37SU34xD3Ex8aoOG?si=PWFH3QXeTl2qui5vNU7hYw
The big question: Why am I sharing this playlist? Why not a playlist created for artistic endeavors or exercise or road trips or something not drug related?
1 - I like to share things that I enjoy. I like this playlist!
2 - As someone fast approaching middle age who didn't try cannabis until it was legal, I am coming to terms with how much I enjoy it and this is a personal effort to break that weird stigma revolving around (scary font) DRUGS (/scary font)
3 - I really wanted to write about something that wouldn't make me cry. As mentioned before, I've been so thankful for therapy and blogging (whether it be for this page or just for my own private journal) has been a huge part of my process.
So tell me, dear reader: Do you have a cannabis playlist? Do you have a playlist that you'd like to share that doesn't involve social deviance? Is there a song that you heard recently that makes you feel terrific?
Once I hit my 20s, I realized that New Years Resolutions were bullshit.
In my early teens, my brother and I were at a family New Years party. 95% of the adults were drunk. My brother and I made our own fun in the midst of the adults grazing the booze table. Midnight hits and we watched the fireworks outside and on television. I remember thinking on the car ride home, "I don't feel different. It's the New Year. Why do I not feel different?". That confusion lasted into the next day. "Nothing is new except for the calendar page. What as the party about then? Why is New Years celebrated?"
The idea of going to party, getting absolutely hammered, belting out Auld Lang Syne in between sobs and champagne burps while the ball drops in Time Square will magically bring about a new year.
A new year. A new world. A new you.
Grown-ass adults believed that. It's like believing that Santa Clause will turn you into Cinderella even though you are an independent adult with a mortgage.
I stepped back and thought about what New Years really is on a personal level.
I love parties. God, remember when we used to have parties? I miss parties.
I've got a funky kind of insomnia and stay up passed midnight almost every day of the week. I'm here to tell you that midnight does not hold that kind of transformative magic that NYE boasts having.
And New Years is about partying before really buckling down on your work. You'll start making everything about you and the way you live your life better TOMORROW.
After the intense hangover. Maybe your first resolution should be hydration…
Ok. I'll work on that TOMORROW.
*Insert related tangent here*
Disneyland's Tomorrowland has been struggling since opening day. Tomorrowland was born from a futurist mind in hopes to inspire humans to accomplish grand things. Tomorrow is an adventure because it's so unknown. We don't know what will happen tomorrow despite our best efforts.
What brilliant technologies will be invented? Where will we physically be?
Who will be the ones to innovate this new thing called THE FUTURE OF TOMORROW?
How will we navigate this future? How do we prepare?
When will our idea of THE FUTURE be made into reality?
When the hell is TOMORROW?
*Checks watch. Taps watch face. Realizes that she doesn't wear a watch*
Tomorrowland tried to tap into that whimsical wonder.
But Tomorrow in the context of Tomorrowland doesn't just happen.
It takes time to conceptualize Tomorrow.
It takes time to plan Tomorrow.
It take times to build Tomorrow.
And by the time you built your Tomorrowland, Tomorrow has come and gone. Yesterday's version of Tomorrow is no longer valid. Today's Tomorrow is only a few hours away. Tomorrow's version of Tomorrow is still in the planning phase and would be a completed project until 180 Tomorrows from now.
Tomorrow never comes.
NOT a James Bond title, but close.
We can't wait until TOMORROW.
There are some cases where you can't start working on a project until a certain time. You have to wait on a good sale to buy that treadmill and that just so happens to be during those NEW YEAR NEW YOU sales. Or you have to complete a bunch of other projects before you can make another project happen. Absolutely!
But "just one more night of junk food and I will eat all of the salad starting tomorrow" doesn't work.
"I'm going to drink like a freshman tonight and stop drinking as of tomorrow" is a dangerous line to walk.
And how many musicians have we lost to "I'm going to do *drug of choice* tonight and quit tomorrow" declarations only to find out the next day that they died from an overdose?
I know that took a dire turn, but it feels like that tale is super common.
Dialing it back a bit, here's something more relatable.
Right now, I feel like I really want to eat this candy bar.
Okay, the brain comes in with the reminder "You saw your silhouette on the wall and mistook it for the opening of an Alfred Hitchcock film."
You either tell your brain "Piss off. I deserve to be happy and this candy is the KEY TO HAPPINESS"
Or you bargain with your brain "You are absolutely correct, brain. Thank you. How about this: I eat this candy bar NOW and I not eat one tomorrow?"
You try to guilt yourself out of eating this candy bar. Your inner Britta Perry begins to shout
"It's made of subpar chocolate and other ingredients that are not ethically sourced. You bought this corporate candy from another corporate store that refuses to pay their employees a living wage"
And end up stressing yourself out so much that you eat the candy to calm yourself down but get hit in the gut with consumer guilt.
Or you threaten yourself
"Your family is teeming with diabetes. This candy could KILL a person. SERIOUSLY. You are an overweight and inactive couch potato that will literally die if you don't start eating better RIGHT NOW. And let's not forget the condition of your teeth. Those genetics are fucking up your teeth something fierce. This candy will only add to that mountain of a problem"
And either guilt or defiance or "my brain is right. I'm a piece of shit for thinking I deserve this"
The brain replies "I NEVER said that"
The heart says "But you IMPLIED it"
And that's a whole different problem. It's up there with the Feedback Loop From Hell.
So, back to today and the fallacy of tomorrow.
I mean, tomorrow happens. As I write this, I know that tomorrow is Monday.
Yes…this took me a few days to write!
Monday will come when the bell tolls twelve. Monday is a double edged sword - it's a tomorrow and the beginning of the week for most folks. "Next week" and "tomorrow" are strange fuck buddies when you tack "I'll start that____" at the beginning of both terms.
I'll start to better myself tomorrow has good intentions. You wake up and start fresh.
But that's some hefty pressure to put on yourself. It's like dedicating time to learn 1 new skill EVERY DAY. Learning 1 new thing a day doesn't give you time to practice that thing, to hone that thing, to make use of that thing.
I made the mistake countless times that goals need to be worked on everyday. I was trying to teach myself piano. I thought "I will practice everyday for an hour on the piano."
Okay, but add that to the "I will make it a point to read a book for an hour. Everyday"
That's 2 hours taken up by goals.
Oh and "I will walk on the treadmill for 1 hour every day".
3! 3 HOURS OF GOALS. AH AH AH!
But I also want to work on my writing and my therapy tools and my perler bead art and my room renovations and be better at housework and take the time to learn new recipes and…
WHERE THE HELL DID MY DAY GO AND WHY DO I NOT HAVE TIME TO DO THE ACTUAL EVERY DAY THINGS LIKE SLEEP AND SHOWER?
I can't work on every goal every day. I have to spread that shit out. Maybe work on the piano twice a week and see how we do. Walking on a treadmill can be done daily but start focusing on distance AND multitask a little. Treadmill time can be audio book time as well! Or Youtube videos about piano lessons or honing those therapy tools!
You need to eat and drink water every day but you don't have to learn a new skill every day. You totally can, but I know that I can't so I give myself permission to spread these goals out.
Burnout is real. If you start hard n' heavy with the best intentions you may find yourself burnt out by the second week of the year.
It's easy to set a goal.
BUT
It take passion and discipline and patience and self love to follow through. Achieving goals takes effort and accountability. All of the above are possible, but struggling with one aspect can domino effect everything else. The lack of self love can turn discipline into self abuse as discussed a few sentences ago.
So, how do you plan your goals?
Fuck if I know…
Okay that's not really true. I think that I can plan my personal goals out in a way that works for me. It might not work for you, but that's the thing about goals of the NYR nature - these are personal goals that require a personal path.
I've typed more than enough to get that point across. This took a few days to type out on-and-off and It's been hard to focus on just one thing lately.
So, what the hell are these goals that I have set for myself?
I WILL TELL YOU
RIGHT AFTER THIS COMMERCIAL BREAK
Just kidding.
Hi.
Thanks for sticking with me this far.
After all of this, I am choosing not to share with you all of my goals.
I'm such a tease.
"Not sharing everything online" is actually one of my goals. There's your freebie.
I hope that you are able to accomplish your goals. I hope that your journey is educational and fulfilling. Failure can be good if you learn from it.
Try to be kind and patient with yourself. <3