Long time, no blog!
I have spent the last few months attempting to create new habits. I have this hard belief that adults are too impatient and stubbornly set in their ways to make changes. As much as I'd like to sit back and declare myself a non-adult, the reality is that I am 40 years old and living like a junk rat.
When I want something, I order it: nail polish, pin sets, video games
Or I eat it: ice cream, ordering Frost Donuts via DoorDash, eating an entire tub of dried orkra
Or I ignore everything around me to obsess over 1 thing: I CAN'T STOP PLAYING (insert video game title here) AND MY HOUSE IS A MESS
Rather than practice self control, I'm all YOLO the moment I wake up. And by YOLO, I mean sitting around my house sticking to the same routine and complaining about how nothing changes...like, is shit supposed to change on its own? Okay, I will just sit here in an ice cold puddle of self pity and wait for things to change on their own.
Spoiler Alert: THAT DOESN'T WORK
Spending the majority of my days alone don't help. While everyone is at work, I'm home dealing with my internal demons or just ignoring them. Let's face it...we're ignoring the demons. The demons have moved in and turned my house into their crash pad. It's like a college frat house. But instead of pizza boxes and beer cans, my house is a landmine field of self doubt and depression and fears. All of the delicious dastardly turmoil that demons love to chow down on.
So I quell those demons with frivolity. Don't get me wrong, I love my frivolity, but it is time to cut back. It's time to untangle. It's time to turn on the location button on the brain and head towards a more focused point.
Let's build some new habits! OLD DOGS CAN INDEED LEARN NEW TRICKS. So, stop being an entitled adult and remember how amazing it was to learn new things.
My mother and father are kicking ass in this regard. Mom is traversing a personally healthier path and kicking the absolute shit out of her goals. I am so proud of her hard work. Dad is focusing on his artistic side with woodworking. He took to it like a duck to water. Every visit home is like hitting up a intimate art gallery. I am amazed by what he's creating.
In the spirit of developing new habits, *GESTURES TO THE WEBSITE* I started working on this project again. Feels good, bro. I am also keeping track of things such as water and food intake, watching my recreational substances limit, and doing a few things outside of my comfort zone. I drink a lot of tea and have made that as part of my daily ritual.
Now, if I can only remember to brush my teeth more regularly...
There is a lot more that I have done to get my ass on track, but that is for other posts...or, I might keep that personal. I love sharing and I love telling stories, but I realize that I don't need to share everything. I never feel pressured to, but I realize that keeping some things offline keeps me focused.
I could go on for pages, but I do have a chore list to focus on *wink*
Until the next post, friends.
Be excellent to each other.
Added to website: Instagram feed, Spotify playlist link, updated RT link
Still cleaning the cobwebs. Eating this elephant one bite at a time.
It's been a week since we closed the doors on RTX 2018.
I can say that not only was this the smoothest RTX ever, but it was also the smoothest show I have EVER worked.
I wanna gush for pages, but I'm exhausted IN THE BEST WAY.
Thank you all for making RTX so terrific. The Guardians who worked their asses off and showed the world how powerful and wonderful they are - the attendees who emit the essence of convention positivity- the content creators coming together to bring substance to the show - the RT Events team and the other planners and check-signers for RTX - Mixer for streaming the action and those of you who watched from home. I'm forgetting departments/teams, but know that my heart is full of love and appreciation for you all.
EVERYONE who has their hands in RTX made this all happen. THANK YOU
Thank you to @sirNARVY and @mrarcys for being my rocks, our logic center, and the weird levity in between serious discussions about bullshit.
I love this show more than I can explain. RTX is the most important event in my world. I'm so happy that this year was stellar. I walked out of the ACC upright, proud, and almost ready to do it all over again the next day.
I felt the very same pride, community love, and appreciating that I did walking out of RTX 2011.
Thank you all for the BEST RTX EVER...
...OF ALL TIME.
As of a month and a half ago, I am 240 lbs.
Heaviest I have ever been.
I blame living a comfortable life - I blame complete lack of will power - I blame stress eating - I blame being so poor back in college that I'd got for days without eating and now I want to eat everything - I blame food being so yummy.
But no matter how many times you turn that Rubik's Cube of excuses, it all boils down to one very important cause/factor - lil' ol' me.
I look at photos of myself from over the last 6 years and gasp.
"What the fuck happened? Why did I do this to myself?"
"Why do I follow the path of self destructive food when life gets hard?"
"Why do I take things out on my body? MY BODY DIDN'T DO THIS TO ITSELF!"
Seriously. Why do I do this to my body? Why do I punish it when it has done nothing wrong?
And after asking myself these questions - that only I can answer - I find myself more at peace with my body. I don't need to forgive my body...I must forgive my mind and then apologize to my body.
We are now on the road to recovery. Personal training (I'm on my 4th week!!) and better food choices.
Portion control is still my biggest challenge, but we're working on it.
I am over the horrifying notion of being "fat". My body is awesome and I will from now on treat it as such. I now look in the mirror at myself with grand confidence and affection.
My body is beautiful.
It is soft and a little scarred and has callouses.
It is warm and full of energy.
It houses my mind that is full of creativity and lessons and curiosity.
It holds my heart; full of passion and love.
Sex is AMAZING.
So I want to take care of my body. I am taking care of my body.
And the view from my mirror gets better every day.
This is not a prayer for getting thin.
It's an action plan for treating my body with respect, taking care of myself, and maintaining the temple that houses my very soul.
But buying smaller, cheaper clothes would be fucking heavenly.
Here's to better things