I'm in denial about my depression.
There are days when I don't want to get up.
Or brush my teeth.
Or get dressed.
And there is absolutely no logical reason for me to be feeling like that. We all say that "depression LIES" and it totally does. Depression makes me think:
"Why bother getting dressed? No one is going to invite you anywhere."
"Why bother cleaning anything. It's just going to get dirty and cleaning your house is not going to make everything better"
"Why bother reading? You read too slow."
What the fuck does that even...I mean..."You read too slow" should keep you from reading a book?!
And my brain instantly answers with a calm "Yes, because depression is lying to you...but also you do read slow BUT that's just a thing about you and not something dire...so buck up and read a damn book at whatever pace"
I'm all cool with talking about my anxiety. Weird shit triggers it and I have to deal with it and I'm okay with that. I've got stuff to help me cope. My anxiety rarely keeps me from doing things.
But depression is just a big jerk that sits on top of your head like a big jerk hat and tells you big jerk lies to make you feel like a big jerk.
I don't have have the kind of depression that points me towards suicide or self harm. I hate pain and I love life. But...man oh man...does depression just make me want to sit around all day/week and feel like garbage.
A few things that I still FORCE myself to do when I am depressed:
** Drink water - hydration always. Being dehydrated will make you feel 100 times worse.
** Open the windows - that fresh air. I'm lucky to live in a place with very little traffic fumes
** Play music - doesn't matter what kind. Or a podcast. I highly suggest Judge John Hodgman.
A few things that I make sure that I DON'T DO when I am depressed:
** Skip a meal - I make sure I at least snack
** Drink alcohol - I have stopped drinking except for social events. This means that since I stopped drinking back in March, I've had a total of 4 drinks - all at C2E2. I wasn't drinking to feel or drinking to forget or drinking to cope...I was actually drinking to help fall asleep. That's a huge W.T.F. I will absolutely have a drink at a party or when we are out friends, but no more home drinking and no more late night nightcap drinking
** Spend too much time online - it's a weird fucking world out there.
Now, NONE OF THESE ARE CURES. I'm researching local therapists. I am not one to say "Oh, just live a healthier life and you'll be fine!" Part of living a healthier life is seeking help, but the context is usually spoken to the tone of "If you just went hiking and ate more salads, you wouldn't be so sad!" Fuck me running, as if anything was that easy!
There are 2 things right now that are helping me beat that nasty depression.
The first is RTX GUARDIANS - working on RTX Guardian stuff is my favorite thing next to going to Disneyland. I love these guys. I love this show. I love this staff. I LOVE RTX and RTX GUARDIANS. I love figuring out teams placement and policies and new problems and working with @sirNARVY and @mrarcys is a huge blessing. Major props to @shelbyengquist of RTEvents. She has incredible convention experience and is such a joy to work with <3
(@username are RoosterTeeth.com usernames)
The second is streaming online. I started streaming on Mixer last September and am loving every moment. There are some weeks when my schedule gets all wonky, but I am grateful for when I get to go online with a game or a creative activity and just talk to the viewers. I feel no pressure to be "amazing"...I get to be me. Just chill and naturally goofy me.
If you feel like dropping by or want to know more on what I am about with dat Mixer life: Mixer.com/SailorTweek
I'm doing what I can.
I don't really have a format for this post. I just really wanted to get some stuff off my chest.
My stream on Monday ended with coloring in a Bob's Burgers coloring book and creating a slogan for the week. It had to be Louise-themed and this what I came up with:
Slap this week in its stupid face
Totally something Louise would say and it's totally something that will take me through the week.
I hope that it's a motto you can use.
Much love, peeps. Thanks for letting me brain dump <3
At 15, I was a sophomore in high school.
My baby teeth hadn't totally fallen out so my upper lip would get caught on my teeth when I smiled. I was excited for high school. I was making delightfully weird friends in theater class...like this really tall, barrel-chested, blonde guy named Chris McDowell...
Being 15 wasn't hard for me. Sure, there were growing pains and some hard lessons...but I had a blast!
Rooster Teeth being 15 has got to be hard.
This teenager has to please so many people.
This teenager marches to the beat of its own drum...and its drum is a drum set that has so many percussion instruments.
Baby...puberty is ROUGH, but you make it look gooooood
15 years of innovating the idea of online content before YouTube was even a thing.
15 years of community building
15 years of some ground breaking hits (Red vs Blue, RWBY, Achievement Hunter) and a few misses (Nature Town, y'all)
15 years of a brand of wackiness that rarely feels forced and oddly relatable
15 years of Austin Texas love
And in between grew moments of pure joy - Lazer Team funding, every single RTX, Extra Life
Growth - millions of fans, 300+ employees, stubborn community members who won't leave the site regardless of the structural integrity of the website ;)
Support - supporting LGBTQ community, raising money for childrens' hospitals, the comfort of Always Open throwing taboo out the window. And although it was never the goal, RT has become positive role models for some.
I love you, Rooster Teeth. You amaze me...you comfort me...you frustrate me...you trust me...
My life without you would be the kind of different that I don't want to think about. The RT Community is my extended family. You all have changed my life for the better. The responsibility given to me as Head Guardian is a something I take very seriously...it's very precious to me...the company & the community trusts me with this role and I work very hard to go the extra mile to empower my teams and make RTX the experience of a lifetime for everyone. Thank you for allowing me to have this experience. Thank you for not getting sick of me.
Happy Birthday, Rooster Teeth.
No, you're not "just getting started". You are solidly here in the now and will never go away.
Thank you so much, Rooster Teeth. You're a good kid.
I have started to really enjoy livestreaming and I believe that it's because I have found a really terrific place to do it: Mixer
Twitch is great. It is a monster popularity machine with millions of viewers and some of the most entertaining livestreamers around. Many of my friends are streaming on Twitch...some are affiliates! AND I LOVE THAT! I like Twitch, but I have come to not like streaming on it. Because Twitch is so big, I feel this weird sense of pressure when I stream with less viewers than I have fingers. It's an anxiety...a feeling of "I'm taking up space on a site that could be better used for the money-makers or the people who pull in views". That's ridiculous, but it's how I feel anytime I start a Twitch stream. I have been trolled like crazy over there, too. I've banned more people on my 3 year old Twitch channel than I have on my 9 year old Twitter account. Crazy.
At PAX West 2017, I was introduced to something new (to me). I followed Jackie to the Mixer booth. She talked with some people she knew while I took in the atmosphere of the booth. At one point, you could get your hands on the Mixer Pinny Arcade pin if you signed up. I like pins...totally sign me up! As I signed up for the service, I asked what Mixer was all about. I got a hell of an education -
Rather than type it all here - Mixer: The Platform
Mixer is smaller. Mixer is welcoming and growing. Mixer has co-streaming options and interactive capabilities that Twitch lacks. You receive incentive for watching in the form of "sparks" that you can use towards entertaining activities. I feel less pressure to be something...to be a company definition of "successful". I can be a casual streamer and be proud of it! Every "watch" and "follow" is a true thrill on Mixer.
Head on over and give my channel a look.
I'm streaming during the day on Wednesdays and Fridays for now. I might pop in on other days, but those 2 days a week for sure!
I think that I found a new online home :)