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What I Got

I'm in denial about my depression.

There are days when I don't want to get up.

Or brush my teeth.

Or get dressed.

And there is absolutely no logical reason for me to be feeling like that. We all say that "depression LIES" and it totally does. Depression makes me think:

"Why bother getting dressed? No one is going to invite you anywhere."

"Why bother cleaning anything. It's just going to get dirty and cleaning your house is not going to make everything better"

"Why bother reading? You read too slow."

What the fuck does that even...I mean..."You read too slow" should keep you from reading a book?!

And my brain instantly answers with a calm "Yes, because depression is lying to you...but also you do read slow BUT that's just a thing about you and not something buck up and read a damn book at whatever pace"

I'm all cool with talking about my anxiety. Weird shit triggers it and I have to deal with it and I'm okay with that. I've got stuff to help me cope. My anxiety rarely keeps me from doing things.

But depression is just a big jerk that sits on top of your head like a big jerk hat and tells you big jerk lies to make you feel like a big jerk.

I don't have have the kind of depression that points me towards suicide or self harm. I hate pain and I love life. oh man...does depression just make me want to sit around all day/week and feel like garbage.

A few things that I still FORCE myself to do when I am depressed:

** Drink water - hydration always. Being dehydrated will make you feel 100 times worse.

** Open the windows - that fresh air. I'm lucky to live in a place with very little traffic fumes

** Play music - doesn't matter what kind. Or a podcast. I highly suggest Judge John Hodgman.

A few things that I make sure that I DON'T DO when I am depressed:

** Skip a meal - I make sure I at least snack

** Drink alcohol - I have stopped drinking except for social events. This means that since I stopped drinking back in March, I've had a total of 4 drinks - all at C2E2. I wasn't drinking to feel or drinking to forget or drinking to cope...I was actually drinking to help fall asleep. That's a huge W.T.F. I will absolutely have a drink at a party or when we are out friends, but no more home drinking and no more late night nightcap drinking

** Spend too much time online - it's a weird fucking world out there.

Now, NONE OF THESE ARE CURES. I'm researching local therapists. I am not one to say "Oh, just live a healthier life and you'll be fine!" Part of living a healthier life is seeking help, but the context is usually spoken to the tone of "If you just went hiking and ate more salads, you wouldn't be so sad!" Fuck me running, as if anything was that easy!

There are 2 things right now that are helping me beat that nasty depression.

The first is RTX GUARDIANS - working on RTX Guardian stuff is my favorite thing next to going to Disneyland. I love these guys. I love this show. I love this staff. I LOVE RTX and RTX GUARDIANS. I love figuring out teams placement and policies and new problems and working with @sirNARVY and @mrarcys is a huge blessing. Major props to @shelbyengquist of RTEvents. She has incredible convention experience and is such a joy to work with <3

(@username are usernames)

The second is streaming online. I started streaming on Mixer last September and am loving every moment. There are some weeks when my schedule gets all wonky, but I am grateful for when I get to go online with a game or a creative activity and just talk to the viewers. I feel no pressure to be "amazing"...I get to be me. Just chill and naturally goofy me.

If you feel like dropping by or want to know more on what I am about with dat Mixer life:

I'm doing what I can.

I don't really have a format for this post. I just really wanted to get some stuff off my chest.

My stream on Monday ended with coloring in a Bob's Burgers coloring book and creating a slogan for the week. It had to be Louise-themed and this what I came up with:

Slap this week in its stupid face

Totally something Louise would say and it's totally something that will take me through the week.

I hope that it's a motto you can use.

Much love, peeps. Thanks for letting me brain dump <3

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