As of a month and a half ago, I am 240 lbs.
Heaviest I have ever been.
I blame living a comfortable life - I blame complete lack of will power - I blame stress eating - I blame being so poor back in college that I'd got for days without eating and now I want to eat everything - I blame food being so yummy.
But no matter how many times you turn that Rubik's Cube of excuses, it all boils down to one very important cause/factor - lil' ol' me.
I look at photos of myself from over the last 6 years and gasp.
"What the fuck happened? Why did I do this to myself?"
"Why do I follow the path of self destructive food when life gets hard?"
"Why do I take things out on my body? MY BODY DIDN'T DO THIS TO ITSELF!"
Seriously. Why do I do this to my body? Why do I punish it when it has done nothing wrong?
And after asking myself these questions - that only I can answer - I find myself more at peace with my body. I don't need to forgive my body...I must forgive my mind and then apologize to my body.
We are now on the road to recovery. Personal training (I'm on my 4th week!!) and better food choices.
Portion control is still my biggest challenge, but we're working on it.
I am over the horrifying notion of being "fat". My body is awesome and I will from now on treat it as such. I now look in the mirror at myself with grand confidence and affection.
My body is beautiful.
It is soft and a little scarred and has callouses.
It is warm and full of energy.
It houses my mind that is full of creativity and lessons and curiosity.
It holds my heart; full of passion and love.
Sex is AMAZING.
So I want to take care of my body. I am taking care of my body.
And the view from my mirror gets better every day.
This is not a prayer for getting thin.
It's an action plan for treating my body with respect, taking care of myself, and maintaining the temple that houses my very soul.
But buying smaller, cheaper clothes would be fucking heavenly.
Here's to better things