It's insane out there
Anyone feeling existential dread on a more exponential level lately? I didn't really want to write about this. I didn't really want to dramatically throw my hat into the "This is how current world events are affecting my life" conversation. I didn't want my minor problems to be set next to the life altering problems other folks are dealing with. But since we are all in mourning and this is a safe place to express ones self...here it comes. Here's the stuff that I am thankful for and a big ol' privilege check: Chris and I are fine. He is doing the whole work from home thing. His company is going to come out of this pretty much okay. Financially, we are safe. Other than a handful of careful and necessary grocery store trips, I've been home since right before C2E2. We have books, tons of visual media both in physical and on file, plenty of music, way too many crafts, and more video games than we know what to do with. We are stocked up on supplies for the next month or so. Grocery stores and dispensaries are nearby. We've been doing our weekly teriyaki order from Miyako's via take-out. We live a clean, but cluttered lifestyle. Other than an upcoming tooth extraction, my fat ass is staying home like a good citizen. So, why on earth do I feel so god damn depressed? Well, I'll tell ya. There are so many people who are suffering from the effects of all of this. Not even touching on the virus effects...more along the the lines of businesses closing, workers being laid-off/fired/furloughed. Schools being closed. No childcare. People going hungry because they have no income. Are we going to come out of this learning and understanding more about our fellow humans? How others struggle? How broken the system was before COVID-19 came to stay in our lives? Or are we all going to go back to "normal" having not learned a god damn thing? Magically, everything became accessible that wasn't so back in February - work from home, online schooling, remote support, essential businesses delivering and/or offering curbside pick-up. Are we going to keep that up or continue to fuck over our disabled folk? I don't know. And remaining optimistic is taking up more energy than I'd like it to. As in I have to put EFFORT into being optimistic...something that I used to be able to do without effort. I wish that I could do more to help others than just stay at home, do the social distancing thing, and support local businesses. BUT it really does help. I know that it does, but because there are people out there refusing to do the bare minimum - either because they think that God will come down and protect THEM or that this is an elaborate political ploy by whatever the opposing party du jour is - it all seems so futile. The worst way this is affecting me - I can't see my family. Any of them. Yes, there is online chat blah blah blah, but my grandmother is 90 AND I CANNOT SEE HER. And if anything happens to her, she'll have to face it alone. (Although God help the person who tries to tell my mom and my uncles that they can't see their mom.) My brother works in a hospital. My parents are over 60. My uncles and aunts are all over 60. My mother-in-law is over 70. Everyone lives roughly an hour away from me AND I CANNOT SEE THEM. I can't hug them. I can't help them around the house. I HATE that. I feel like I am in college all over again. Absolutely TRAPPED. But I know that not being there physically is important and I support the lockdowns and shelter-in-place orders. I just miss them all so much. The uncertainty of all this is what keeps me up at night and drives me toward my vices. Can I just stay stoned until all of this blows over? Oh, that's not healthy in any way, shape, or form? Damn. Alright then. Video games and crying myself to sleep it is, then! The postponement of events - and somehow all ended up being in September - is a bummer for sure because I miss my convention families: the out of state friends I only get to see, the businesses that I get to work for, and the people I get to work with. Guardian energy is always off the charts online, but there's nothing quite like the electricity of being there physically together. Delay of that kind of gratification is good for the soul, but we are a society of INSTANT RESULTS and I hate that I'm following that mentality. I wanna see an ocean of *SHIRT COLOR REDACTED* shirts chanting prayers to a plastic ficus. I want to hear @matt sing to us. I want to taste those tears of joy. The last time I was in Austin was in January for a wedding. I got to party with my RT family. We got to celebrate love and togetherness. We ate amazing food. We sang and danced. I can't but feel like that was the last hurrah for the foreseeable future and that TERRIFIES ME to my core. I vacillate between sadness, helplessness, and sheer terror. I'm not used to being legit scared. I've caught myself shaking in fear at one point. I don't talk much out loud. I don't know how to articulate the way the I feel. *gestures to this post* And when I try to form words with my mouth, I sound like something who absolutely did not spend significant chunks of her life talking to and performing to large crowds. Fuckin' hell. I'm a mess and I feel like I do not have the right to be even though countless experts have given us permission to feel like shit about the current state of the world... You wanna hear about something that is so small but is impacting me with the same energy as not being able to see my friends and family? My personal church is closed. Ya know...my church that is owned by a legacy problematic multi-media monopoly in California. Disneyland is CLOSED. Fantasyland is offline. It's not necessarily "OMG I CAN'T GO!". This is totally a symbolism thing for me. Something I have invested so much emotional energy and time researching. The way that costly property makes me feel when the turnstile whistles is equal to saying "I do" to Chris. I mourn for the Cast Members. I want to hug every single one of them right now. I really hope that there are people there feeding the property animals. Those cats are tough, but they are actually fed by the park. The idea of a world without an open Disney park is frightening to me...on top of all the more important and scarier shit going on. I would do anything to smell the Pirates show building right now. I want to feel that joy. No matter what your situation is during this, what you are feeling is valid. It's been said that this is a period of mourning. We are all mourning because we have all lost something - be it a person, opportunities, jobs, lifestyle, connection, routine, stability. And I am not here to tell you how you should feel or how you should mourn. You do you as long as you are not putting yourself or others in danger. We absolutely have to get through this. We have to.
I know that being 40 is supposed to kick off a mid-life crisis, but I was NOT expecting all this. If you know of organizations that are focused on helping people during this mind boggingly time of uncertainty, drop those links in the comments. Mask makers (please specify civilian use or medical grade). fundraising for communities, food banks, grass roots delivery service, businesses that are going the extra mile...just anything. We are all in this together. Be excellent to each other. Stay safe. Stay hydrated. Stay home. And wash your fucking hands <3