It's been rough - This a big ass rant
I've tried to avoid typing up blog posts about the current world situation.
If you follow me on Twitter, I do post little quips about how tremendously terrible things are and how poorly I'm handling my own struggles. It gets harder and harder to cope. It's difficult to care about things like getting good sleep and positive activities and even the activities that used to being me so much joy like chatting online.
My days are spent doom scrolling and then rage closing Twitter. I mod chats for Rooster Teeth, but it doesn't feel like "hey, we're all chatting and having a blast" since the world went into pandemic mode. It's "Hey. Watch out for virus deniers, racists, and folks who wanna dunk on the LGBTQA+ communities". It's not engaging...I feel like a mall cop. That's not anyone's fault but my own. I used to be such a rock star for this community. Now...people think I'm some weird & old taskmaster. I feel lost and alone in my own community. I don't know how or why. It breaks my heart. I'm not invited to things or to join in on games or panels.
I worked my absolute favorite shows this year from my desk. I didn't fly to Pasadena or Austin. I didn't get to manage people. I manages usernames and application roles. All of the work I accomplished was done from my computer...in the house that I've been confined to since February. I have never felt so disconnected from the things I love...from my only professional outlets. When we closed RTX, all I felt was regret and sadness. Not triumph or pride or feeling closer to the community that I worship...just extreme sadness. You don't hear the cheers or the appreciation or the personal stories...it was just sitting alone at my desk watching text roll by like credits to a movie that I didn't get to work on.
Please understand that LightBox Expo Online and RTX 2020 at Home were most triumphant. Some of the positive takeaways was accessibility. So many folks who can't travel during a normal year because of age or cost or location or what have you had the chance to be part of the events that they have longed for. I LOVED THAT. At RTX, people commiserated and supported in each other knowing that we are all in this together. There were no lines, very few capped rooms/events, and it was inexpensive for folks to enjoy. There are so many positives to these shows being done online...and I will appreciate that more in time when I get over my own ridiculous self pity.
I'm invalidating my feelings...in a lame attempt in bullying myself into getting over it. Needless to say, it doesn't work. I don't know why I'm angry at myself for not being more optimistic or grateful...I need to to just let those feelings happen and get on with my life...but I can't just get on with my life because I constantly feel HORRIBLY DEPRESSED.
I don't enjoy chatting online as much as I used to now that it's really the only way I communicate with loved ones aside from phone calls. I can't see people in person. Most folks are working form home and so being on a casual Zoom with friends can be just as exhausting as a work call. Also, my best friends are working longer hours and so connecting has been difficult.
It's extremely frustrating that there are people in this country aligned with a particular political party that still STILL thinks that the pandemic is a hoax constructed by the opposing political party while ignoring how this is affecting the entire world. My heart HURTS when I see these people deny science over and over again. No one wants to play fair because these apathetic ghouls think "fairness means that I can't do whatever I want and I am against it"
I could go on. I'm no longer typing with the logical side of my brain. At this point, it's all emotional. And that is why I hate talking/typing about any of this. I have lost that barrier between logical and emotional thought. It is one of the huge reasons I do not have political conversations with others. And there are too many folks who absolutely live for making people cry or react emotionally...it's a superiority thing. "Ha ha! You cried when I gave you a fact! HA HA!" Like...the fuck?
I miss my family so much. Nick works at a hospital. And even though he does not work with patients and is sequestered in a data entry office, he is still inside a hospital. Coming to the realization that my parents are now in the "elderly" classification while struggling to cope with a pandemic has been heart wrenching. My parents are doing fine. They take this seriously, but they can't just shelter-in-place 24/7. They take care of Grandma. My mother's brothers help with that as well. As does my mother-in-law. So they can't just not be around each other when they all take turns caring for Grandma.
In a way...that must be nice. They take Grandma to get her hair and nails done. I would do anything for a haircut right now.
And I'd like to see more people other than my dentist and grocery clerks.
It's starting to hit Chris. He's cool with being a home body, but it's been too long and working from home is not an adjustment that he can just comfortably slide into.
I, on the other hand, lost my fucking shit back in May. I'm this close to eating the drywall in my house. I haven't felt this trapped since college - all of the important differences aside since I now live with good financial stability and a house and all the good things I have in my life.
And that's the other things: I have stability. We will not lose our house. Chris will not lose his job. We won't go broke. BUT it doesn't mean that this is a big party for us. There are people out there suffering WAY MORE than I...and that makes me feel worse when I start screaming into my pillow about how much I miss my parents. Who the fuck am I to suffer this much over this much social distress?
I know...there is no guidebook to coping with this. My father's parents lived through The Great Depression. Grandpa Ben died in the mid 90s. Granny Ivy died in 2010. They saw some shit, yo BUT I don't think Granny Ivy would have had any insight on this *gestures to every god damn thing*
I haven't even touched on police brutality and Black Lives Matter movement. I support the movement. I support defunding the police to focus on community and social services. But I'm not marching...the pandemic scares me. I tried keeping up on the movement news, but there's more videos every day of beatings and killings...and I know this comes from a place of privilege. I'm as white as a Celine Dion album in a snowstorm. There are people who have to LIVE that reality EVERY DAY and are constantly presenting evidence of their struggle only to be denied justice, empathy, and the right to be treated as a human being on a daily basis. Being kind isn't enough anymore. Reposting and donating is where it's at...but I can only repost and donate so much. I wish that I could do more.
And then there were wildfires. I think those fires are still burning, but you know how the news cycle goes...1 week of a serious topic and then the camera shifts to something else. The kicker here is that the "something else" would normally be something so cosmically unimportant like a sports team name change or a celebrity divorce case. BUT NOT THIS YEAR. The ICE detention centers are forcibly sterilizing the people they have detained. That stayed in the news for a hot minute. Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed away and now people are freaking out because apparently she was the last of our Jedi. I'm just as torn up about it, but why is anyone putting all of their hope into one basket? Maybe 1 basket is all we can afford at this point. Mass evictions, more lies and racist overtones coming from our leaders, voter suppression, attacks on the USPS, hurricanes, earthquakes, financial relief coming to corporations but not the the small businesses, and Disneyland has been closed since April.
I CANNOT KEEP UP. I'm sorry that I didn't think about the out-of-control starvation in Uganda in my panic over another resurgence of the MeToo movement that brought harassment and doxing to the door of my friends while trying to get money out to friends in Oregon who are evacuating their neighborhoods because of the wildfires. I really am sorry. I cannot keep up. I'm trying. There are people thinking that all of Seattle and Portland are burning down because of riots. In reality, small sections of those cities are where protests happen in the evenings. Even the people who live in these towns believe that the entire city is on fire when all they have to do is look out a window to find out what's really going on.
November SCARES me. It's all full of what-ifs. We've been at the 11th hour since 2016. I'm not anti-whatever political party, but I am anti-giving the presidency to anyone who wants to run society like a business. Especially a raping, tax dodging, racist pile of oily rags.
It's not that I want things to "go back to normal". I just want this pandemic done so we can physically get back to fixing the rest of this broken fucked up world.
Note that when I say that I'm depressed and frustrated and ultra-emotional key words - I am not a suicidal or self destructive type. My brand of dealing with sadness is crying, video games, more crying, loud music, sprinkle in a little more crying, getting stoned, and rewatching Bob's Burgers while trying not to cry.
I don't want to go back and reread for clarity or spelling errors or missing words. I don't even know if anything I typed makes sense. I'm living day-to-day in a weird way. Some days, I am awake and ready to just do things. Most days, I don't know how to keep myself engaged, entertained, and out of stagnation. I'm only existing and sometimes the only thing that makes me feel alive is being stoned. I never took anything for granted before all of this. I am a bus commuter. I rely on public transit to get around. And I know that I could lose my route and access at any point because of taxes or levies or whatever. So I was thankful for every trip to Starbucks, to the library, to a museum, and to catch a ferry to see my folks. I knew that I could lose those things...I just wasn't expecting to lose it like this...to absolute human selfishness or not wanting to keep others safe.
Please take care of each other. Please look out for each other. Please vote. Please wear a mask.